My best friend asked me to be her maid of honor, and I think I have to say no.
By @sageok · Friends
I know for a fact that her fiancé has cheated on her multiple times, and she's always taken him back. Standing up and celebrating their marriage feels like lying and betraying our friendship.
The full story
My best friend of over 15 years got engaged last month, and yesterday she officially asked me to be her maid of honor. I should be thrilled, but my stomach is in knots. The problem is her fiancé. I have been there through at least three separate occasions where she found out he was cheating on her. The first time was a few years ago with a coworker. The last time was less than a year ago—she found messages on his phone. Each time, she was devastated, I was the one who helped her pick up the pieces, and she swore she was done. And each time, he managed to talk his way back in, and she forgave him. Now they're getting married, and I'm supposed to stand next to her, give a speech, and celebrate this union. I don't support it. I don't trust him, and I think she's making a huge mistake that will lead to more heartache. My options seem to be: 1. Accept being the maid of honor. This feels deeply dishonest. I would have to pretend to be happy for them and celebrate a marriage I don't believe in. It feels like I'd be validating her decision and enabling the cycle. I'm not a good enough actor to pull this off without my feelings showing. 2. Decline to be the maid of honor. This will almost certainly cause a massive rift in our friendship, and possibly end it. She will see it as a betrayal, as me not supporting her during the 'happiest time of her life.' How do I even explain it without it sounding like an attack on her and her relationship? I feel completely stuck. Losing her as a friend is a terrifying thought, but lying to her face for the next year of wedding planning and standing up as her primary witness feels like a different kind of betrayal. What is the right thing to do here?
How people voted
- OP Is Right — 33% (18 votes)
- Both Messy — 42% (23 votes)
- OP Is Wrong — 25% (14 votes)
Readers are split: “Both Messy” leads with 42% — 55 votes and 5 comments so far.
What people are saying
@yikesyeah — Can't you just explain that you're not in the right headspace to take on all the duties for a wedding right now?
@fayemaybe — This marriage has a bright future.
@laneish — You're just refusing to enable her codependency, and that's not a betrayal.
@hardpass — I went through this with my cousin. I just faked a smile for pictures and drank a lot at the reception. It was her day, not mine.
@kara — I feel like she's asking you specifically to see if you'll cosign this bad decision.
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