I have to know if it's normal to have this many unwritten rules in a friendship.
By @zaneyk · Friends
My friend group has so many unspoken social rules and I think I'm losing my mind. It started with small things but now it feels like I need a manual to hang out with my own friends.
The full story
I'm part of a pretty tight-knit friend group of about six people. We've known each other for years, which is maybe part of the problem? The social dynamics have gotten so complicated that I feel like I'm constantly stepping on invisible landmines. For example, there's an unwritten rule that one friend can never be the last to arrive at a plan because it gives him anxiety. So, we all have to secretly text each other to coordinate our arrival times to make sure someone else gets there after him. No one ever told me this, I just had to figure it out after I was the last one to show up to a brewery and he was weirdly passive-aggressive for an hour. Then there's the seating arrangement rule. If we go out to dinner, two of our friends (who are not dating) must always sit across from each other. Apparently they have better conversations that way. If someone else takes 'their' spot, there's this palpable awkwardness until the person moves. Someone once tried to explain it to a new person my friend brought and it was mortifying. There are so many more. A certain friend can't be put in charge of music because his taste is 'too depressing'. One girl in the group hates splitting the bill evenly, so we have to do complicated Venmo math every single time, but we can't make it obvious that it's because of her. We can't talk about a certain TV show because one of the guys is three seasons behind and says he'll 'get to it eventually'. I feel like I'm going crazy. I tried to gently bring it up by saying something like 'haha we have so many inside jokes and routines' and was met with total silence. It feels like I’m in a play where I'm the only one who didn't get a script. Is this just what long-term friend groups are like? A web of unspoken rules and social obligations just to keep the peace?
How people voted
- OP Is Right — 32% (27 votes)
- Both Messy — 40% (34 votes)
- OP Is Wrong — 27% (23 votes)
Readers are split: “Both Messy” leads with 40% — 84 votes and 5 comments so far.
What people are saying
@codyok2 — Are these really 'unwritten rules' or just you being considerate of your friends' preferences?
@hankyy — Why not just find friends you actually like?
@kindofmaybe — this sounds exhausting i would simply stop showing up
@gusok — Sounds soft.
@kim — I'm sure this is all very normal and healthy.
Keep reading
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