I have created an unspeakable monster out of my friend group’s fantasy football league.
By @coleagain · Sports
What started as a joke punishment for last place has spiraled into something I can no longer control. I am the commissioner, and I am now being asked to mediate a geopolitical crisis of my own making.
The full story
Okay so I’m the commissioner for our 12-person fantasy football league. It’s a bunch of my friends from college, we’re all in our late 20s now, so it’s mostly just for bragging rights and staying in touch. To make it more interesting, I came up with a 'fun' last-place punishment a few years ago: the loser has to get a ridiculous, oversized fake championship belt and wear it to all group hangouts for a year. It's huge, plastic, covered in fake diamonds, and says 'ULTIMATE LOSER' on it. It was funny for a while. The problem is our friend who lost last season. He took it... weirdly. At first he just wore it like he was supposed to. Then he started leaning into it. He refers to the belt as 'The Gavel of Shame.' He brings a little velvet pillow to set it on at restaurants. He made an Instagram account for the belt. Fine, whatever, he’s a theater kid at heart. But now it’s gotten out of hand. He has declared himself the 'King of the Losers' and started issuing decrees. He 'annexed' the good couch cushion at my apartment in the name of his 'kingdom.' He has started 'knighting' other people for minor social faux pas, like showing up late or telling a bad joke. He literally carries a list of grievances. Last weekend at a barbecue, he tried to 'sanction' another friend (banning him from using the good tongs) for bringing a store-bought potato salad. The friend argued that he was on salad duty, not 'homemade salad' duty, and it almost became a real fight. I had to step in and rule that the sanctions were non-binding. I thought this was the peak, but no. The 'King' has now drafted a constitution for his 'Loser Kingdom' and is demanding the rest of us ratify it. they says as commissioner, I am obligated to recognize his sovereignty. The rest of the league is now split into factions: the loyalists who think it's hilarious, and the rebels who want him overthrown. I’m getting texts at 2 AM asking me to rule on the legality of a loser-based monarchy. This was supposed to be a dumb joke. Now I have to figure out if a fantasy football league commissioner has the authority to dissolve a self-proclaimed micro-nation based in my living room.
How people voted
- Facts — 32% (16 votes)
- Depends — 40% (20 votes)
- No Way — 28% (14 votes)
Readers are split: “Depends” leads with 40% — 50 votes and 5 comments so far.
What people are saying
@finn — Sounds like you have to challenge him to single combat for the throne.
@vincesorta — this is the greatest thing i have ever heard let him cook
@edieyy — Your friend is clearly leaning into a bit because he feels excluded, you need to address the underlying group dynamic.
@karatbh — Cooked.
@paigey — New rule: Last place has to get a tattoo of the belt. See how much of a 'King' he feels like then.
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