I accidentally became the main character at my cousin's wedding.

By @nicoyk · Family

I was asked to give a toast, and I thought it'd be funny to read a copypasta instead of a real speech. The room did not laugh.

The full story

so my cousin got married this past weekend. i'm not super close with him but family is family. he asked me to give a short speech at the reception, probably because i'm known as the 'funny' one or whatever. i honestly didn't know what to say, i'm not a public speaker and i don't have any deep, emotional stories about them as a couple. instead of writing something, i had this 'brilliant' idea. i figured i'd just read a classic internet copypasta, like the navy seal one or something similarly unhinged, but deliver it super seriously like a real toast. in my head, a few of the younger cousins and my friends who get the internet would find it hilarious, and the old people would just be confused. i thought it would be a victimless crime. so i get up there, tap the mic, and start. i went with the one that starts 'what the f did you just f-ing say about me, you little b?'. i edited out the swear words for the olds, so it was like 'what the heck did you just hecking say about me'. i got maybe 20 seconds in, deadpan, looking right at the happy couple. the silence was unlike anything i have ever experienced. it wasn't confused silence. it was horrified, 'what is happening' silence. my friends were visibly cringing. my mom looked like she was going to phase out of existence. my aunt (the groom's mom) was just staring at me with her mouth open. i trailed off and just said '...to the happy couple!' and basically ran off the stage. the dj, to his credit, immediately started playing 'Celebration' at max volume. my cousin and his new wife were nice about it later, they did the whole 'haha so random' thing but their eyes were screaming. my mom cornered me by the bathrooms and gave me a 20-minute lecture in a whisper-yell. now my entire extended family thinks i'm either having a breakdown or i'm the most disrespectful person alive. i just thought it was a dumb, low-stakes joke. now i have to see these people at thanksgiving.

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