My wife thinks I'm being cheap for wanting her parents to pay for their own groceries.

By @danihm · Was I Wrong

They come over almost every weekend and give us a shopping list of things they want, but they never offer to chip in. It's starting to add up, but my wife says I'm creating an issue over nothing and being disrespectful.

The full story

Okay, let me start by saying my in-laws are great people. They adore our kids (8 and 5), they're helpful, and I generally enjoy having them around. The issue is that "around" is basically every single weekend. They live about a half-hour away and they'll come over for at least one full day, sometimes the whole weekend. When this started, it was fine. But over the last year or so, it's developed into this pattern where our house has become their weekend pantry and restaurant, and I'm the one funding it. It began with little things, like "Oh, can you grab some of that decaf coffee I like?" or "Let's just get a pizza tonight." Innocent stuff. But now... now we get a call on Thursday or Friday with a list. It's "We're coming Saturday, can you pick up the stuff for that salmon dish you make? And your mother is craving that expensive ice cream from the fancy grocery store." Last month, my father-in-law decided he was only drinking a specific import beer, so that became a weekly item on "our" list. The breaking point was two weeks ago. They wanted to have a big family BBQ at our place. Great, I love a BBQ. My father-in-law announced he would "handle the food" which apparently meant texting my wife a detailed list of fancy sausages, expensive steaks, a specific marinade from the store, and his new favorite craft beer. The bill was over $150 for that one trip. When I brought the bags in, I tried to make a light joke, "Alright, that'll be one-fifty!" and he just laughed and said, "That's why you're the man of the house!" Later that night, I sat down with my wife and showed her the grocery app. Between their specific requests and the takeout, we had spent nearly $400 on them in the last month alone. I suggested we just gently ask them to chip in or that she could text them afterwards saying "Hey, the groceries were $85, just Venmo me whenever!" She looked at me like I had grown a second head. they said it was completely out of line to "bill" her parents. She brought up that they gifted us a generous amount for our down payment six years ago, and that this is the least we can do. She thinks I'm making family feel transactional and I'm going to create a huge awkward rift with them over a few hundred bucks. I see her point, but that gift was a gift, not a pre-payment for a lifetime of groceries. We have our own budget and saving goals (kids' college isn't cheap!), and this feels like a constant, unplanned expense. Am I crazy here? Or am I just the family ATM?

How people voted

Side A — 29% (97 votes)
Both — 40% (135 votes)
Side B — 32% (108 votes)

Readers are split: “Both” leads with 40% — 340 votes and 10 comments so far.

What people are saying

@ughme — My father in law does the same thing but with his special organic dog food for his poodle that visits once a month.
@gabesorta — You're handling this with so much more patience than I would have. You are definitely not crazy for feeling this way.
@liamok — You are not being cheap at all, you're being responsible. It's a tricky situation but your feelings are completely valid.
@noahhmm — I'd start 'accidentally' buying the generic store brand of everything on their list until they get the hint.
@noahhmm — Why isn't your wife having this conversation with her own parents?
@kirakk — L behavior.
@luke — just start sending them itemized invoices
@benkindof — Your wife is weaponizing that down payment to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation with her parents.
@elliewelp — "That's why you're the man of the house" is an amazing way to get free steak.
@quinnagain — The man of the house provides for the whole family, that's just how it works.

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