I became the unwilling referee in a marital crisis over fish tank gravel.
By @quinnsorta · Overreaction
All I wanted was to buy treats for my cat. Instead, I was forced to mediate a fight so specific and bizarre that I'm still processing it.
The full story
This is so stupid, but I can't stop thinking about it. I was in the pet store, in that quiet, slightly damp-smelling aisle with all the fish stuff. I'm a cat person so this is foreign territory for me, I was just cutting through to get to the cat section where the good treats are. There's a couple there, probably late 20s, staring at this giant wall of colored rocks. At first it's just murmuring, then I hear the guy say, with complete seriousness, "I just think the 'Natural Riverstone' gravel has a more calming, authentic vibe for the betta's psyche." She lets out a sigh that could power a small windmill. "It's brown. We're not getting sad, brown rocks. The 'Starlight Sparkle' is fun and it'll pop. It matches the throw pillows." He recoils. "An animal is not an 'accessory.' It's a living creature with feelings. We can't just subject it to your glitter-based 'live, laugh, love' aesthetic." The fight escalated so fast from there. She called him a "pretentious fish hipster." He accused her of wanting to turn the tank into a "liquid disco ball of sadness." It got way more personal after that. He brought up that time she said his favorite indie movie was "emotionally underdeveloped." She fired back that at least her movie choices didn't "smell of artisanal despair." I'm just standing there, frozen, holding a bag of catnip mice. I’m trying to become invisible, staring at a filter pump like it’s the most fascinating object on earth. Then, the worst happened. Silence. I could feel them both looking at me. The woman turns, her face dead serious, and says, "Okay, we need a tie-breaker. You look like you have a good head on your shoulders. Do you think a fish would be happier in a natural, serene environment or one that's colorful and visually stimulating?" My mind went completely blank. Thousands of years of human evolution did not prepare me for this moment. He's nodding at me encouragingly. She's got her hands on her hips. I panicked. I just pointed at a completely random bag of boring, standard-issue blue gravel that neither of them wanted, squeaked "that one?" and basically fled the aisle. I didn't even get the cat treats. I just left the store. I feel like I failed some bizarre social test.
How people voted
- Bad Move — 32% (15 votes)
- Needs Context — 43% (20 votes)
- Reasonable — 26% (12 votes)
Readers say “Needs Context” (43%) — 47 votes and 5 comments so far.
What people are saying
@oscaragain — You were put in an impossible position! I would have done the same thing and run.
@daniok2 — My ex and I had this exact same fight but it was about which font to use for our wedding invitations. We are no longer together.
@paigeish — That whole fight was just a proxy war for their deeper incompatibilities.
@onlymondays — nah the liquid disco ball of sadness is the only correct choice
@reed — Why didn't they just get both bags of gravel and let the fish decide?